


I'm Just Glad to be Your Friend - The Emails

by danniemv2310



Series: I'm Just Glad to be Your Friend [1]
Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: Angst, Depression, Emails, Friendship, M/M, Other Characters Are Mentioned, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-03-08
Updated: 2017-03-18
Packaged: 2018-10-01 03:18:20
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 3,110
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/10179479
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/danniemv2310/pseuds/danniemv2310
Summary: What if Evan and Connor actually were friends? What if they actually did write each other?This is that 'what if?'. Connor gets back in touch with Evan after not speaking for so long and they rekindle their friendship from before.And perhaps more....*hint: this is gonna be very gay, just not yet.*update: almost there*another update: the gay shit is at the end of this part and continues further in the next part so hold on to your hats my friends





	1. The First Note

**Author's Note:**

> my tumblr is officialilsenuemann.tumblr.com 
> 
> feel free to ask any questions you have or rant to me about this as you wish there

Dear Evan Hansen,

    It sucks that we haven’t written to each other in so long. I can't help but say that I miss you. Who knows? Maybe if I wasn’t such a fucking coward, we could talk more. I can't tell how it feels to see you walk past everyday in the halls and not say anything. We used to e-mail everyday. Now, I can't even work up the courage to say 'hi'. I see you at school and you never seem happy anymore. I wish there was something I could do about it, but I’m so fucking scared of everything. I can’t remember the last time I didn’t feel like absolute shit. It’s such a common feeling now that I’m not entirely sure how to get out of that place anymore, you know?

    So, I guess that’s why I’m writing. I need help, Evan. I need your help. Your letters, they helped me through a lot. When we used to talk, I didn’t feel so much like I’m a fucking failure. When you would laugh, I would laugh and that’s just how it would go. Like, you are (or were, I guess) the one good thing in my life and I’m not sure I want to let that go just yet. I guess I’m just asking if we could talk again. It totally fucking sucks to have no friends and I’m hoping you can forgive me for totally fucking slacking on that in the past. I hope you consider this.

    Sincerely,

        Me


	2. The First Reply

Dear Connor Murphy,

I also miss our chats. Don’t worry about the whole “being a bad friend”-thing. I haven’t been the best friend either and I cannot let you take all the blame for us not talking. I’m not the easiest person to talk to and I get that. 

So, how’s everything? It’s been awhile, so tell me everything. How’s school? Not great still? Are you still smoking or did you stop like we talked about before? It really isn’t healthy, Connor. You know that. 

Anyway, I went to the park yesterday after school. You should’ve seen the leaves, they were all starting to come in for spring. Spring is my favorite season, you know. The flowers and the trees are all coming back to life. It’s so pretty outside, Connor. I know you spend most of you time inside, but you should really go outside and enjoy the weather before the rain gets really bad.

You said that you were getting bad again? That’s why you wanted me to write you, right? Connor, you know you aren’t a failure, right? You just angry sometimes and that’s not bad. What’s bad is when you let the anger become your personality and I fear you might be getting there. Please, for both our sake, try to think of your future. Give it some real thought and let me know what you see. I see you getting happy again. I see you graduating high school and going onto art school. 

Remember when we used to go to that orchard and would draw pictures of the trees and the apples? Those pictures were so beautiful. You have real talent and you shouldn’t just let that go. It’ll take work and determination on your part, but I think you can do it. Let me know how things go and don’t forget that you have real promise if you just work for it. 

Sincerely,

Me


	3. A Shadow of Me

Dear Evan Hansen,

    Thanks for writing back. I was worried you wouldn’t. Let’s just say, plainly, that things aren’t going well. I feel like nobody would care if I were here tomorrow. Do you ever feel like that? Like no one knows you exist?

    Anyway, I went outside like you asked and, well, it’s just not my cup of hard liquor. I sat on my driveway for few minutes and I just didn't feel what you describe. Like, nature just doesn't have the same affect on me. I know you love the trees and nature and shit, but I can’t seem to. It all seems so bright, like looking directly into a lamp in an interrogation room. Or, like, the sun, I guess. Either way, I drew you a picture of the horizon, it’s attached to this email. I tried to make it pretty, like how you see the world, but I just can’t. I don’t think it turned out that well, but I thought maybe you’d like it anyway. You give me too much credit for my art, dude. It’s not that good and art school? You think I’d get into art school? In what world? I probably won’t even graduate high school.

    Also, quick question. When you say think of the future, what do you mean? Like, I just don’t see myself in it at all. When I think of my future, I just see a shadow. Is that what it’s like for you? Do you see a future? Should I be able to? Am I broken? Also, don’t tell me I’m not a failure. If you knew my dad, you would know that's what he thinks of me and what he thinks is true in our house. He’s hardly ever even comes home enough to hear or care about what I have to say. He’s such a dick. I don’t even know if I’ll make it past this year, Evan. It just doesn’t seem possible.

    As an answer to your other questions though. School still sucks. Mrs. Reynolds hates me, like actually hates me. ‘Wants Me Dead’-hates-me. And yes, I’m still smoking and yes, I know it’s bad for me. But, frankly, I don’t give a shit. It helps me not be so angry. Thanks for writing me back.

    Sincerely,

        Me


	4. A Distant Billboard

Dear Connor Murphy,

    I know exactly what you mean. My mom is never is almost never home. I feel like she wouldn’t even notice if I didn’t come back home. But, Connor, that doesn’t mean that you shouldn’t be here. I care about you. You are the only friend I really have. Jared doesn’t really count, because we’re just “family friends”. So, you’re like the biggest part of my life. I know life sucks (trust me, I know) and you just feel like crap everyday, but that doesn’t mean people don’t care about you. I bet your mother cares about. And your father. And Zoe. They all love you because you are family and family loves each other.

    Also, that drawing, of the horizon, is amazing. I still cannot believe you are a real person with the art that you make. Yet, you still think you wouldn’t make it into art school? Please, of course you would. The only issue is your grades and I can help you study if you need it. Your future is bright, I can see it. You know, Einstein wasn’t a good student either and he’s one of the most renowned scientists ever. I just want to say, I believe in you, Connor. Even when you don’t believe in yourself.

    The future is abstract. Don’t think about it like a point on a map, but think of it more like a distant billboard. The billboard itself may visible, but the images on it are blurred and unrecognizable. You might not even be able to see the billboard yet, but it’s there. Who knows where you’ll be in five years? Three years? A year? Next month? That’s not what matters. What matters is that you don’t completely ignore it. Its coming no matter what and you have to be ready for it.

    When I think of my future, I see colors. Greens and blues and dashes of pink. I do not know what that means, if it means anything. But I keep looking for a meaning. That’s what keeps me going. Think of the shadow you see like that. Keep searching for a meaning in it. You’ll find one eventually. You have to believe that or nothing will matter anymore. 

    Find something that keeps you going. I need you here, Connor. You’re the only one I can talk to about this kind of stuff. My mom won’t listen, she’ll just tell me to talk about it with my therapist and I can’t talk to her about this kind of stuff. I get too anxious. Think about it Connor, you’ll make it. I promise. I hope this helps.

    Sincerely,

        Me


	5. Please, Connor

Dear Evan Hansen,

    Thank you for saying that about my drawing.

    Sincerely,

        Me

 

Dear Connor Murphy, 

    No problem. It really is beautiful. Did you think about what I said? Did I say something wrong? I’m sorry. I just kinda started rambling. That happens when I don’t have to deal with my stutter or eye contact issues. Sorry, if I upset you or made you angry. I’m sorry, don’t hate me. You’re my only friend.

    Sincerely,

        Me

 

Dear Connor Murphy,

    Please, respond to me. I’m getting worried. Are you okay? 

    Sincerely,

        Me

 

Dear Connor Murphy,

    Please, Connor, I can’t lose you too. 

    Sincerely,

        Me

 

Dear Evan Hansen,

    I don’t hate you. I was just thinking about what you said. I still can’t imagine it and I’ve been trying to come up with a good response. Or, at least, try to form coherent sentences. My brain has been all sorts of fucked up lately and I can’t thing or the proper way to word my thoughts. I’m not sure exactly what to say. Just, um, we’re family, ok? I wouldn’t leave you without so much as a word. Promise.

    Sincerely,

        Me


	6. Thank You

Dear Connor Murphy,

    I’m so sorry I got so worried. I just don’t know what I’d do if you stopped talking to me again.

    Sincerely,

        Me

 

Dear Evan Hansen, 

    Thank you for being such a good friend. Most people wouldn’t give two shits if I stopped talking to them. Most people would be happy, in fact. Anyway, sorry I made you worry so much. That was kinda cruel of me. I just couldn’t form sentences well enough to give you a good response. This is about three days worth of gathering my thoughts and making them understandable. So, here goes nothing.

    Evan, I am so happy I met you and I am so happy I got to know you. You are the best friend a man could ask for or ever want. I’m not sure how you come up with these things (like the billboard shit?), but it has helped me through so much. No matter what happens, just know that. You are possibly the kindest and most helpful person in the world and you don’t have to be like that. Especially to me. I’ve never been anything, but rude and nasty to you in public. But, when we talk like this, you don’t seem to care. You still help and I couldn’t be more grateful for that. This is not a suicide note and I know it’s starting to sound like one, but anything I write nowadays seems to. I just need you to know that you are important to me. Without you, I would’ve been long gone by now and I can’t thank you enough for that. 

    How are you always so positive? It doesn’t make sense? You tell me that you feel the same way I do, but it doesn’t seem to affect you nearly as much. Who would’ve thought? Nerdy, little Evan Hansen is stronger than fucked-up Connor Murphy. Whatever, doesn’t matter. It’s nice to know that someone does understand me and my pain. Most of the time it feels like I belong in a padded room with a straight-jacket wrapped around me. But, not when I talk to you. You make me feel alive again. I don’t believe in God, but you make me want to, because nothing could ever feel as holy as I do when I talk to you. You’re amazing. Don’t let anyone tell you that you aren’t. 

    I don’t deserve you as a friend. You’re too good to me. Especially, because I’m only ever a complete dickhead to you. You deserve better. A lot better. It’s a wonder that no one sees how brilliant you are. It’s an absolute shame.

    Anyway, what I’m trying to get to is that I don’t see myself in the future. I can’t. But, I see you. I see you happy. I see you falling in love and I see what you’ll become. I can’t leave you, especially when I know what’s in store for you. This may be very selfish, but I need to be there to see you happy, even if I’m not. Because, you being happy is all I could ever ask for. I’m a lost cause, we both know that. But you aren’t. You have a future ahead of you. A good future. I have to be there to see it.

    Sincerely,

        Me 


	7. I Love You, Connor Murphy

Dear Connor Murphy,

    I don’t know what to say. I think I want to start with the fact that you are just as important to me as I am to you. You are everything. I couldn’t be so positive, if it weren’t for you. I need you around. I am not sure where to go from here. I just see so much potential in you and I cannot believe you can’t see it in yourself. You are an amazing artist, Connor. You’re an awesome friend and I can’t articulate properly what a blessing your presence in my life has been and will continue to be for as long as we know each other. I love you, Connor Murphy. I really do. 

    Sincerely,

        Me


	8. Fairmount Park?

Dear Evan Hansen,

I love you, too, Evan. More than my parents and probably more than anyone I’ve ever know. You mean everything to me and I can’t imagine a world without you. I don’t know if it’s fate or coincidence or whatever that we were made penpals in eighth grade, but I am so goddamn happy we were. It’s one of the only things I am actually glad that has happened in my life. I’m so fucking sorry we haven’t hung out in public or at school or anything. I’m really fucking sorry. I know you want to hang out and I do too. But, I didn’t think I could handle it and it’s not your fault, I promise. I’m just not used to talking to people I care about.

I was wondering if maybe, and you don’t have to say  _ yes _ , you’d wanna go to Fairmount Park this weekend? We could look at the trees and it’ll get me out of the house. We can take pictures and talk and I don’t know just chill. I promise I won’t be high when we go. I just think that it’s time we actually spent time together instead of e-mailing on these fucking old school e-mails. Not that I don’t love talking to you, it’s just that it just exhausting to have to type out an entire email whenever I want to talk to you. 

    Sincerely,

        Me 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I chose Fairmount Park, because according to wikipedia (a great source, i know), Benj Pasek created the story after something that had happened to him in high school and he's from Philly. So, I chose a park in Philly. That's my only reasoning. If anyone has a more concrete city setting for the musical, let me know and I'll adjust accordingly.


	9. Victorian Boathouses

Dear Connor Murphy,

    Fairmount Park? The one downtown? Of course I’d love to go. We can even go inside the art museum, if you want. I love the park, the trees are so beautiful there, but I haven’t been since I was seven, right before my dad left. I’m sure I’ll be fine. I haven’t seen him in forever and I sure it won’t affect our time. Do you have a camera? I only have my phone and the quality is terrible. If not, that’s fine.

    I look forward to going and I can’t wait to see the boathouses again. I loved those the last time. They are so cool and fancy. I love the Victorian-era, don’t you? I love the clothing style from back then. The fancy suit and the dresses. I wish we still dressed like that. I would wear a suit everyday if I owned more than one. But, mom only makes so much money an I do not want to ask her for another one. Also, the one that I have is from my grandma’s funeral three years ago. I do not think think it would even fit me now.

    Anyway, what time do you wanna meet and how long do you wanna stay. My mom usually gets the evening shift at the hospital on Fridays, so she’ll probably be home by midnight. Doesn’t the park close at dusk? Either way, I wanna make sure I’m home when she gets back.

Sincerely,

    Me

(p.s. My phone number is 215-312-2202)


	10. Don't Forget to Change the Water

Dear Connor Murphy,

    We both know I am not great at talking to people and I did not want to mess this up. So, I decided to write you an email regarding the subject. Texting seemed a bit too informal and I did not want to become a stuttering mess when I spoke to you. The point is that I love you. I love you so much. I know you know that and I'm pretty sure you feel the same. At least, that's what you expressed to me in the past. Anyway, I was wondering (read: hoping), would you want to date, officially? Would you want to be my boyfriend? It's not a big deal if you would want to be, but I couldn't not ask you.

    If you don't, I hope this doesn't change anything. I just felt as though you deserved to know my feelings. As we both know, I've never done this before and certainly not with someone whom I care for so deeply. You are the most important person in my life and I think you should know that.

    I want you to know that, no matter what happens, I will always be there for you. I'll be there to comfort you or to hold you on your bad days and laugh and sing with you on the good. I want to appreciate you the way you deserve to be appreciated. You are not the terrible guy everyone sees you as. You are not a guy for people to fear, if only they got to know you. I know I cannot control what others think of you or what they say, but I can be sure I'm there to remind you who you really are. I need to let you know that you are not what those people say you are. You are kind and beautiful and supportive and comforting. You are sweet and smart and funny.

    Sorry, I just needed to get that out. Thank you for the date yesterday. I loved it. Don't forget to change the water in the vase for your flowers.

    I love you.  
    Sincerely,  
        Me


End file.
